Across the Sea, Where the Idiots Run Wild
by moonlightgodess
Summary: When the elves travel to the unkown across the sea, they find themselves in modern day New York. ... Exactly. This is not meant to be a serious work, or to be an example of incredible writing. Feel free to laugh anyway!
1. Arrivals

Across the Sea (where the idiots run wild)  
  
Okay, I don't own LOTR, I wish I did, this applies to all chapters.  
  
Chapter One: Arrivals  
  
Legolas sighed. He felt uneasy. He listened to the other elves whispering among themselves.  
  
"What's the place we're going to?"  
  
"Nobody knows!"  
  
"Hey, at least there won't be any Saurons there. I don't really care what's there as long as there's no shadows."  
  
Some talked worriedly, some curled into the very un-elflike fetal position and whimpered nonsense, while some just gazed out to the undulating surface of the water. Legolas was one of the latter. It didn't matter that he could see nothing through the mist. He stared out anyway. Suddenly the ship clunked, then stopped. All the elves were silent, then a murmuring of 'land' was taken up and spread across the ship. The seamaster docked the barge against the rocky shore that they had knocked against. The elves filed gracefully (a/n: As always. Hey, are elves ever not graceful? I don't think any of them ever tripped and fell over their own feet when they were little.) off the boat onto land. They waited quietly while the Valarpriests cleared the mists. Before them a stone statue stood thousands upon thousands of handspans tall. It depicted a maiden holding proudly a torch and tablet. The elves stared up at it in awe.  
  
~*~  
  
Len looked at the new group of tourists. Mindlessly taking pictures in their Hawaiian shirts, they absorbed nothing. She pasted on a fake grin.  
  
"Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. We stand now at her feet. She's over 1,500 feet tall. Imagine how big her house would have been!"  
  
She heard crickets.  
  
"Alrighty then, moving on!"  
  
One hour and 32 minutes later.  
  
Len walked stiffly into the employees' lounge. It contained a sofa, found in a trash bin near the statue, and a small radio, every station but 50's music gone fuzzy. One of the girls in the room grinned up at her disgusted (yet still smiling) face.  
  
"Hard bunch?"  
  
"You have no idea, Mel. Hold on a moment. I have to unscrew my smile." She said this through clenched teeth in her grinning mouth. She stretched her jaw and winced.  
  
"We definitely deserve that raise. I know we're only fifteen, and only just at the able-to-legally-have-a-job age, therefore only legally needing to be paid minimum wage, but still!" Len glanced at the clock. "Oh, thank goodness. That ends my shift. Your turn!" She tossed the hat, shaped to look like the crown the statue wore (employee uniform), to Mel. She dashed out, only remembering barely to grab her check for April's wages. She continued running across the grass, completely disregarding the 'stay off the grass' sign. Suddenly she was knocked to the ground. She rubbed her head and looked up to see a cloaked figure before her.  
  
"Hey, would you please watch where you're going next time?" She winced as her hand hit a sore spot on the back of her scalp. The figure held out a hand, and she gratefully took it, hauling herself to her feet. She brushed off her jeans.  
  
"I'm sorry, milady, I should have been more careful."  
  
Len squinted at the face hidden in the cloak. The voice sounded strangely familiar. She shrugged it off as de já vu, muttered a quick "s'ok", and started to walk away.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
She turned slowly. Who was this guy, anyway? She shouldn't be talking to him. he was probably a homicidal maniac or something.  
  
"Could you tell me where I am?"  
  
All her other thoughts were lost as she gaped at him. She pointed to the Statue of Liberty.  
  
"Hello, ring any bells?" The stranger was silent. "The Statue of Liberty?" Nothing. "Rhode Island? New York? USA?! EARTH?!!!!" The stranger shrugged his cloaked shoulders.  
  
"How can you not know that you're in the United States of America, the most prosperous country in the world?!"  
  
The figure shifted his weight uncomfortably.  
  
"Well, I'm not from here." He began slowly.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock. Okay, who are you anyway? This had better not be candid Camera or the Jamie Kennedy Experiment." she looked around nervously for a camera.  
  
"I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, of the elf kin."  
  
Len stared at him. "Right. And I'm Cher."  
  
"A pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Lady Cher." He bowed.  
  
"IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!"  
  
"Oh. then what's your real name?"  
  
"Len Talehedran Rhan. Len."  
  
He bowed again, then pulled off the cloak and folded it across his arm. "It's so hot here in. New York?" She gaped at the blonde elf.  
  
"You. you're really. Legolas?" she said in a faint voice, then sat down hard. He blinked down at her.  
  
"You've heard of me?"  
  
"Well, of course! You're only the most sought-after character in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy! Well, anyway, I'll cut the fangirl junk. Nice to meet you, Orlando."  
  
"My name's Legolas. Who is this. Orlando?" That set her off staring again.  
  
"You. you mean you're not Orlando Bloom? You're the real Legolas? From MIDDLE EARTH?!" He nodded again. She collapsed onto the ground, unconscious. 


	2. Lodgings

Chapter Two: Lodgings  
  
Len blinked her heavy eyelids open and rubbed her forehead. "I had the wierdest dream, Mel. There was this guy who. ACK! You're not Mel!" She scrambled to her feet and began backing away.  
  
"Okay, I'm not dreaming. I'm hallucinating! That's it! You're not real! Just a mirage! A figment of my imagination! You're probably a rock, or a tree, in reality, and people are probably thinking that I'm crazy, talking to inanimate objects." Her voice was becoming louder and more shrill. Legolas hastily clamped a hand over her mouth.  
  
"I'm not sure where and when I am, but the rest of the elves have disappeared, and I do know this much from how you're reacting- if people find out that I'm an elf, all seven hells will break loose. Do you understand that?"  
  
She nodded and gave a muffled "kay". He let go of her.  
  
"So, back to what I was asking. Where am I?"  
  
"You're in Rhode Island. one of the fifty states of the USA- the United States of America."  
  
"Do you know any place where I can stay? An inn, perhaps?" She stared at him for a moment before breaking into helpless laughter.  
  
"I can just imagine their faces when you walked in! But no, seriously, you wouldn't survive a minute there." Again, he shifted his weight uncomfortably.  
  
"So then where can I go?"  
  
"What would you do there anyway? Eventually you have to either find a permanent house or a way back to. Middle Earth, right?"  
  
"Well, yes, but-"  
  
"So then you can't stay at a hotel. Hotels, or, inns, as you call them, are only for, at the most, a week or so's lodging."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So you need an apartment or something."  
  
"An. apartment.?" he said uncertainly. "How do I get this. apartment?"  
  
"An apartment is a small house in a big building. You get it with," she paused, finally realizing what that meant. "Money. And you have no American money." She sighed and sat down.  
  
"You can't stay in some abandoned store or something- no food or running water."  
  
"Have you any friends or family I could stay with temporarily?"  
  
"HA! Can you imagine what they'd think if I called and said 'Hi mom, dad, I have a guy here who I just met, he's from another world and says he's an elf. He wants to stay with you for a while.' That would be the last straw before they packed me away to the looney bin!"  
  
He gave a weak smile. "That certainly wouldn't help, would it?"  
  
"Besides, even if I did somehow convince them, which is about a chance in a trillion, they'd blabber so fast you'd be off to the dissection lab like that!" She snapped her fingers to emphasize her point. Legolas shuddered. She nodded, understanding.  
  
"Not a pretty prospect, huh? So you can't stay there." He sighed and sat down on the grass as well.  
  
"Hold up! Kestrel, my roommate- we live together to save on housing bills, is out in LA for three months to stay with her mom- she has cancer- so I'm the only one in the house for about another 2 ½ months- that should be enough time to get back on your feet, right?" He nodded, finally seeing a possible answer. "Then it's settled." Len stood up and shook his hand, finishing the deal. "You'll stay at my place." She looked him up and down.  
  
"But first we need to get you some new clothes." 


	3. Mallrats

Chapter Three: Mallrats  
  
"First stop- Lord and Taylor. You'll need a suit if you want to get a job."  
  
~*~  
  
"Next- Hot Topic- pants, shirts, and all sorts of cool stuff." She held up a pair of black pants, baggy, accented with a couple silver zippers, and handed it to him, along with several different t-shirts, each with a different witty saying on them, and some Gir (a/n: INVADER ZIM!) socks.  
  
"Um, Len, are you sure this is what people are wearing?"  
  
"Never question me."  
  
~*~  
  
Len shoved Legolas towards a JCPenny salesperson.  
  
"My friend just came from Costa Rica- he needs some new *ahem* understuff."  
  
"Looks a bit pale for Costa Rica- but never mind, we'll see what we can find." Len ran out quickly.  
  
Half an hour later, they came out of the store to find Len sitting on a bench, scaring random passerbys. Legolas was blushing furiously. Len stood up and inspected the new elf, made from all the best shops in the mall. "Much better."  
  
She paused, glancing at his long, blonde hair. "I think we can leave the hair. This is NY. Random freaks go around unnoticed- as long as they aren't TOO freaky. Besides, I know all elves have long hair." She ran an hand through her own straight, ear-cropped, brown hair thoughtfully. "That reminds me. I need to wash mine." she said, starting to walk away. She shook her head to clear her thoughts.  
  
"So now all that we need to do is get you settled into Kestrel's room. Just stay away from the closet- you don't want to know what's in there, trust me- and the 'daisies' in the living room- they're crossbred with Hungarian Carnivorous Choking Vines."  
  
~*~  
  
They stood in Kestrel's doorway. Legolas' jaw dropped. Before them stood a sea of pink, swathed in ribbons, bows, fluff, and stuffed animals.  
  
"H-how old is Kestrel?" Legolas said in a whisper, leaning towards Len.  
  
"18. I know. It's sad." Legolas nodded in agreement. Len tossed the numerous bags onto the quilted bed and walked out. She called over her shoulder from the hallway:  
  
"I'll order Chinese- you DO know how to use chopsticks, right?"  
  
"Yes- mostly. sort of. a little. no, not really." 


	4. Apartment Sitter

Chapter Four: Apartment Sitter  
  
The alarm clock blared. Kestrel must have set Len's clock on ambulance before she left.  
  
"DARNIT. and I don't know how to set the stupid thing." she cursed, then glared at the red numbers. 6:30. She groaned and rolled over. It kept blaring. She chucked a pillow at it. Didn't work. She meowed pitifully and clapped her hands over her ears. She had just chucked her last defense against the sound right at the alarm. Legolas came in, fingers in his sensitive ears.  
  
"Can you turn that off, please?"  
  
"No." Came the muffled reply from under the covers.  
  
"Please? It hurts."  
  
"I'm not leaving this spot until lunch." She poked a hand out from under the quilt and made a shooing motion. "Go `way."  
  
"Turn it off!"  
  
"NO! Leamme' alone!"  
  
He hesitated a moment, then grabbed her shooing hand and yanked. She yelped, then wrapped her feet in the quilt and attempted to flop backwards onto the bed. He continued pulling until she was sitting upright again, then kneeling, then stretched out so that only her feet were still on the edge of the bed. She glared daggers at him and dug her fingernails into the webbing between his thumb and pointer finger. He only pulled harder. Finally, he yanked her arms and she plonked onto the floor face-first with an 'oof'. She sat up, grabbed a hammer from the chair, and threw it at the still blaring alarm, which shut off with a 'bruump'. They both sighed in relief, then Len glared again at the elf and shoved him out of her room. She slammed the door behind him, then turned back to the alarm clock.  
  
"You are SO scrap metal." She said, advancing upon it.  
  
~*~  
  
"Okeey, for breakfast we have the pancakes- aged a week, we have yogurt, which has been cheesing for 2 weeks, the green and furry nutra-grain bar, or the variable meal- no one knows how long it's been there."  
  
"The. variable meal?"  
  
"Yup. Variable- could be anything."  
  
"Could I just have some fruit?  
  
"Well, we have guava fruit that's long since gone mushy."  
  
"I'll just have water."  
  
"Excellent choice."  
  
"By the way, what are you having?"  
  
"I get the leftover Chinese."  
  
"Pig."  
  
After they had finished breakfast, Len exchanged her bunny slippers for sandals and headed for the door. She paused.  
  
"Okay, you're gonna have to stay here for the day- work on the job application I gave you. If there's anything in it that would give you away as an elf, let me fill it out. After you're done, you can watch tv." She grabbed the remote off of the counter and flipped it on. Legolas jumped.  
  
"Black magic! Has Sauron followed us even here?!"  
  
"It's called science. Get used to it."  
  
He stared at the screen openmouthed. "What Thranduil would give to see this." he murmured softly.  
  
~*~  
  
Len opened the door to the apartment and stuck her head in. "Hey, you there?" No reply. She walked slowly into the hallway of the apartment. "I got some books for you on technology- stopped by the library. If you're ever gonna leave the house, you're gonna have to understand them." Silence. She came into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh, my goodness. LEGOLAS! Get in here RIGHT NOW!"  
  
The elf slowly, cautiously, came into the room.  
  
"What happened to the kitchen?!" The room that stood before her was splattered with a green foul smelling goo, the microwave bore a large hole in it, and there were scorch marks everywhere.  
  
"I tried to work the- science technology- you told me about before you left." He pointed to the blender, oven, microwave, and gas stove. "They wouldn't be controlled."  
  
"You big stupid ox! You should have waited until I got home!" She sighed. "Just please don't do it again." He nodded earnestly.  
  
"Alright, I'm going to call a maid and a mechanic- if you're so interested in techwork, sit down and read this." She handed him a huge 'technology for idiots' book. "Sit, read, and DON'T MOVE." 


	5. Cluck A Chicken

Chapter 5: Cluck-A-Chicken  
  
Len sat, working on the elf's application for work at the nearest fast food place: Cluck-A-Chicken. She looked back over the application to make sure she had everything.  
  
Name: Lief Eilf Age: 19 Parents / Legal Guardians: deceased Residence: 11A Cobblestone Creek Education: Full education through high school in Costa Rica Qualifications: Really good eyes and ears, polite, also see above question.  
  
The rest was just blather. She told him his new name and had him sign at the bottom. She sighed.  
  
"Here goes nothing."  
  
~*~  
  
Legolas cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"Remind me again why I'm doing this." He stood standing in a giant chicken suit, complete with a large picket sign that proudly stated: "Come to Cluck- A-Chicken, where our chickens are honored to be your lunch! Limited time only- One chicken for the price of Two!"  
  
"Because you need money and you need to get out of the house. And I will hurt you if you stay and ask me even one more question about my 'alge- whatty'. I've told you- it's ALGEOM!"  
  
"Whatever it is, I'll be happy to leave it alone," he shuddered. "It scares me."  
  
She snorted. "Wimp."  
  
6 hrs later.  
  
Among the passerb- CUSTOMERS, Legolas corrected himself, Len came down the sidewalk, bags of camo-ed paraphernalia in tow. She looked up at the wilting chicken before her.  
  
"You alright?"  
  
"Yes, and I'm perfectly content with my current employment situation." He said, voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
"Good. Glad to hear it!" she clapped him on his feathered back and went on her way. Legolas glared at her quickly disappearing figure.  
  
~*~  
  
The door slammed open. Len calmly turned the page of her book from her perch on the mantle. Legolas stormed in.  
  
"Tell me right now, how do I get OUT of this job?! .and this suit." He said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Hey, if you quit after one day, it'll go on your resume and you won't be able to get another job." She said without looking up from her book. He was silenced. "AND, if you don't get another job, we won't be able to pay the rent and the extra food, you'll be thrown out onto the street, and then you'll never find your way back to Middle Earth. And as for the suit, come here." He did so. "Turn around. see? There's a zipper! Hold on, I'll get it. I don't think you can reach around the costume with your wings." she paused as she tugged at the zipper. "Ummm. Hold on." She stuck a foot against his back and yanked again at the zipper, and succeeded- in pulling the zipper tab off. "Uh oh."  
  
"Uh oh? What uh oh?! What did you do?!"  
  
"Ummm. be right with 'ya!" she said, running to the kitchen and coming back with a pair of scissors so large that the blade was as long as her forearm. "You might want to be moving to the front of the chicken suit right about now."  
  
He shifted in the costume. "Why?"  
  
She jammed one of the scissors blades into the fabric and began cutting. "That's why."  
  
Legolas gulped and was quiet. Within a few minutes, she had gotten a rather large hole (about half of the suit) gone. She blinked at the still attached chicken head.  
  
"Okay, you're gonna want to keep your head in the middle of the costume, alright?" Beneath the plastic google eyes, the elf's eyes widened in alarm. Soon he heard a chopping sound. When Len finally yanked off the suit to unearth the normally (and not feathered) clothed elf, she gaped at him.  
  
"Len? .Len? What's wrong?"  
  
She closed her mouth with an audible click and silently held up a mirror. The elf's blonde hair was choppy and looked like it had been hacked at by a chainsaw.  
  
"I thought you were going to go the middle of the chicken head!"  
  
"I DID."  
  
"Oh. oops?" He glared at her, and she ran into her room and locked the door. "DON'T HURT ME!"  
  
Legolas sighed and fingered the ragged ends of his blonde locks. He flopped onto the sofa with another sigh and flipped on the tv to keep his mind off his now very un-elflike hair. The tv turned on to an infomercial.  
  
-Everyone needs a PillaFluffa 3000!-  
  
Legolas's eyes widened. "Are. are you talking to me?"  
  
-I mean YOU! You need to call right now to get your free kit of pillow cleaning supplies with your purchase!-  
  
"I need to call. right now?"  
  
-You must call soon or this special deal's gone!-  
  
"Oh. alright." he said, still scared. He got up and knocked on Len's door. She didn't open it.  
  
"Len? Len, the man on the tv was talking to me. he wants me to buy a PillaFluffa 3000." he trailed off.  
  
"Just change the stinkin' channel! It's a scam!" she opened the door, then stared, eyes wide. "Ummm. Legolas?"  
  
"What?" She led him to the mirror. His hair was exactly the same length it had been before, with no sign that it had ever been cut. He looked at his reflection for a moment wordlessly. "I guess that's why elves don't cut their hair." 


	6. Beginning the Search

Chapter Six: Beginning the Search  
  
Legolas awoke sharply when something big and heavy landed on his stomach. Suddenly, bright light streamed over his unadjusted eyes, and he blinked them painfully.  
  
"Up and at 'em! We've got a biiiiig day ahead of us!" she had a backpacking pack about the size of a small VW bug slung on her shoulders, and Legolas realized that it was a twin of the object that had so rudely awakened him. "Do 'ya wanna find the way back to Mirkwood or not?"  
  
He groaned a wordless mumble that was more eloquent that words, and rolled over, still only slightly conscious.  
  
"Come, come! Get up! Up right now or I'll let loose Fluffy the Snake-"  
  
"I'm up! I'm up!" He shouted, stumbling out from the pink quilts. She grinned.  
  
"Good. There's a half-box of donuts in each of our bags in case we get hungry. Now let's find out where we're going."  
  
~*~  
  
"Okay, . Lord of the Rings maps. Lord of the Rings maps. Lord of the Rings maps. bingo! There's a hit! Okay, it's at a fangirl paraphernalia shop on 48 Dunston." She ran out the door, practically dragging the poor (and still barely awake) elf.  
  
~*~  
  
".But I don't WANT a map of Mirkwood to Gondor, I want a map to GET to MIDDLE EARTH!"  
  
"Lady, I don't know who you are, but I will tell you this right now- there IS NO MIDDLE EARTH! It's a fantasy world! You can't get there!"  
  
"For speculation and theory's sake! DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY MAPS THAT GO TO MIDDLE EARTH OR NOT?!" The shopkeeper looked at her warily.  
  
"As long as you don't do something. crazy. with it."  
  
Len sighed and rubbed her temples. "Of course not. I'm just doing a project on the different ideas about fantasy worlds and I need all the reference materials I can get." She said in a tired voice, once again feeding him the same story she had repeated over twenty times already. He looked at her judiciously for a moment before stepping into the back of the store. He came out a moment later with a glass box, and he reverently lifted a small, folded piece of parchment out of it. Len reached a hand out for it and was promptly smacked.  
  
"Don't touch!"  
  
"How much?"  
  
"More than you can afford."  
  
"Just tell me how much."  
  
The shopkeeper ran off a list of numbers longer than would fit on the map itself. Len's eyes bugged.  
  
"Oh. my."  
  
"What, is that too much, Len?" Legolas put in.  
  
"That's more than I've made my entire life. that's more than I've even SEEN in my entire life."  
  
Legolas sighed dejectedly, then spied the trodden sign on the store window and broke into a run for the apartment.  
  
~*~  
  
"I've never seen such perfect replicas of Middle Earthian goods." the shopkeeper said, awed. Legolas' arm cuffs, cloak, and brooch lay on the bargaining table.  
  
"Are you sure, Legolas?" Len whispered, so the fat man couldn't hear.  
  
"Absolutely. When I get back, I can get new ones."  
  
"How much will you give us?"  
  
"I. don't know."  
  
"All of these for the map?"  
  
"That would be quite a hefty trade."  
  
The blond elf tossed his weapons onto the table.  
  
"Done!"  
  
~*~  
  
They searched by the map for the rest of the day. It was quite hard to find landmarks such as 'bent tree where the daffodils grow' and 'old house that the retired duck farmer- note: not the current duckfarmer, but the old one, that burned down from the cow'. There are neither in New York. But with a lot of research, they managed to find what might have originally been the landmarks, as the elf slowly realized why they had brought the giant backpacks. New York was brutal. Finally, when night fell, they had discovered the last landmark and had to head back.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
A/n: sorry, readers. This chapter wasn't very eventful. I promise, though- the next chapter will be veeeeeeeeery much more action than trying to outbid fat old men in a smelly old antique shop shopped in only by obsessive fangirls (like ourselves n.~) 


	7. Grand Theft Elf

Chapter Seven: Grand Theft Elf  
  
Len and Legolas stood, looking at a shining line of light that shimmered and swayed with the undulating water it rose from.  
  
"You'd best go quick- tide'll come s-" she was cut off by a gesture from the elf. Soon the unmistakable sound of boots crunching on gravel could be heard behind them. They whirled around, and Len crouched down, catlike, as twin daggers appeared in her hands, silver blades glinting in the bright morning sun.  
  
"Where did those come from?!" Legolas cried, thoroughly unnerved.  
  
She winked, still not taking her eyes off the trees, and whispered, "Hey, if I told, they wouldn't be HIDDEN daggers, now would they?"  
  
Legolas nodded, but, like Len, his eyes were glued to the trees in front of them.  
  
"Approaching humans- they're not tourists. Trying to be quiet." he whispered, voice barely audible. Len nodded. Soon, two black-suited men stepped out from the trees and approached them calmly. They seemed not to notice that Len was holding lethal throwing knives. Legolas wished like seven hells that he hadn't traded in his bow and sword.  
  
"Don't move, unless you want one of these in your gut," Len warned. The answer was the loading click of two very large machine guns.  
  
"Don't move, unless you want hundreds of these in your body," one of them said. Both froze.  
  
"We have reason to believe that you are housing and protecting an alien being."  
  
"What?" she laughed, "Oh, you must mean cousing Gerrald, he's from Switzerland natively, but he's traveled all around the world and didn't even actually grow up there."  
  
"We have documents for his employment that say he's from Costa Rica."  
  
"Ummm. Costa Rica is a really tiny town. in Switzerland. no more than 5 or 6 people in it." she said, quickly losing ground and completely aware (and scared) of doing so.  
  
"That's enough!" One of them tossed a pellet at them, and then all Len remembered was something that smelled good before everything went white.  
  
~*~  
  
Len woke up slowly, the last of the drugged mists still clearing from her head.  
  
"Where am I?" she moaned, then her eyes snapped open with sudden clarity. "Legolas!" Everything came back in a rush. She snatched the phone off of her bedstand and dialed quickly.  
  
"Mel? Mel?! You there?! . Yes, I know it's late, but it's a life and death situation- LITERALLY!"  
  
~*~  
  
Len and Mel stood behind the trees on the border of the government building that rose so high into the dark sky it seemed like it would puncture the clouds. Len was uniformed in a black tank top and shorts, with tall black combat boots that went to her knees. She had a small computer on her wrist- a crude one, but effective enough for a virtual map and a clock. She had a wireless earpiece and mike to communicate back to Mel. Her belt was decked heavily with gadgets, including a small, thin, hollow rod made to be filled and dispensed instantly with the darks soaked in sleeping draft in the small pouch that hung next to it.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
"Mel, he's from MIDDLE EARTH. He has no idea how to get out of this place that, to him, probably seems like a high-tech butchery."  
  
Mel sighed. "I just wish I could come with, or at least help more."  
  
"You've helped so much you don't even know it! All this equipment'll probably end up saving my sorry little butt!" She laughed wryly. "Besides, I don't know many people who would steal from their own father's company just to help a friend."  
  
"Hey! I didn't steal- I borrowed! And if you don't get this stuff back to me," she poked her, "then YOU'LL be the one who stole!" she said, but was unable to keep a straight face. She enveloped Len in a bear hug. "Just don't get yourself killed, okay?" Len nodded into her shoulder wordlessly. Mel let go, and Len sprinted off into the shadows.  
  
~*~  
  
Len crawled, cold metal chilling her hands and knees where they touched the air duct. The hard steel echoed softly with each carefully light movement. Suddenly, a whirring sound started that sounded like the whole US Air Force was taking off behind her. Her brain raced. They had turned on the fans. "SHIT!" She cursed as she felt her body being peeled away from the metal. "Stinking stupid." her voice faded away as she was flung down the duct by the harsh mechanical wind.  
  
~*~  
  
She landed in something cold. And wet. And gooey. She groaned and winced.  
  
"Am I dead? No.... dead wouldn't hurt this much." she lifted a hand and watched as a gray substance dribbled from it. "And off all of the spots in the gut of the building, I had to land in the one wet spot."  
  
~*~  
  
After wandering around the building (some places accidentally more than once) for three hours, Len found herself on top of a large metal surface rising almost into the shadowy rafters. She was high up, and it was dark in the higher spots. She blended in. Her dark eyes scanned the room. Basically empty, other than some crates marked 'toxic waste'. But there was a door on the opposite wall. Locked. Labeled 'Do Not Enter'. Very suspicious. She picked a tiny black box out of her belt and looked at the fifty-some buttons. After a moment's hesitation, she slammed them all on at once. She went through a series of changes, everything from having her boots turn to rubber ducks to the small bag of orbs on her belt beginning to spontaneously combust. Soon, as each new change came and the previous disappeared, one that would work came up. She hurriedly punched the stop button. Her gloves and boots were lined with suction cups.  
  
"Perfect." She scampered across the ceiling like a gecko before picking the lock. As soon as she was in, she climbed onto a large block covered in lights and buttons. From her perch, she had an ample view of the huge room. It seemed to be a minefield of machinery centered around a small glass box lit with a dim glow. Something told her that the elf she had been searching for was inside. She clicked on the radio.  
  
"Hidden Hawk- Hidden Hawk, come in!"  
  
-Who's hidden hawk?- the voice in the earpiece crackled.  
  
"You are, idiot, and I'm Slinking Panther!"  
  
-Whatever-  
  
"Hidden Hawk, I need the guard shift for the," she checked her wrist computer, "G108 room."  
  
-Kay, Le- Slinking Panther, the shift ends at 10:13 and 3 seconds-  
  
"Okieday. Slinking Panther out."  
  
She settled down for the wait.  
  
~*~  
  
She checked the computer/watch. 10:12. She watched as an armed guard passed beneath her perch. He shone a flashlight around for a moment before shouting out "ALL CLEAR!" and leaving, locking the door behind him. She smiled. Right on time. As soon as the sound of the guard's footsteps had faded away, she jumped off of the machine. And hit the floor. Face first.  
  
"Ow. that was smooth." she picked herself up and quickly made her way to the center of the room.  
  
A/n: TBC! .soon. ie within a week or so. ^^;;; 


	8. Rescues, Runaways, and New Beginnings

Chapter Eight: Rescues and Runaways  
  
Len paused, fingers pressed against the transluscent glass of the box. She had to get a way in. Her sensitive fingers probed every inch of the box- it was solidly sealed. No door. No window. She didn't want to think about how they got air inside. If they even did. She went to her belt, and her fingers found themselves on a black rod, a small button on the end, with a tiny squeeze-tube attatched. She gently applied the glue-like substance from the tube onto the glass, outlining a large portal shape. She checked to make sure that there were no gaps in the line, then pressed the button and stepped back as the line burst into flame suddenly, then went out just as quickly. She hesitantly put a hand on the inside of the shape. It was still slightly warm to the touch. She put a bit of pressure on it, and the glass gave. Len pushed, and the circle popped out, leaving a doorway in. She stepped inside. In the corner of the box, a small huddled figure was curled up into a ball. Her throat constricted as she knelt before the broken elf. Slowly, the face that was familiar, yet subtly but undeniably changed, lifted, and she was caught by the eyes. The eyes. Eyes that had seen too much. Been through too much. Hollow pools of pain and confusion that, though they were looking right at her, instead, looked through her. Her mind suddenly flooded with a rush of memories. Recent memories, not her own. She fainted. Her dreams were haunted with a first-hand experience of what the elf had gone through.  
  
~*~  
  
Legolas blinked, then shook his head. It felt as if a hazy curtain had been lifted from his mind. He looked down to see Len lying on the floor. He shook her shoulder.  
  
"Len? Len, are you alright?" No reply. He shook her again, harder. "Len? Len?!"  
  
A shudder went through her, then her eyes slowly opened as she brough herself into a kneeling position. Her dark eyes were blank, as if somene had erased all emotion and will from them.  
  
"Len. Are you alright?"  
  
".Fine. Just fine." she said in a hollow voice. Her words should have reassured them, but somehow they only sent chills down his spine. She blinked slowly, and, eyes staring off into nothingness, began to speak.  
  
"I think I'll draw a picture A picture with a twist I'll draw it with a razor I'll draw it on my wrist And as this picture starts to form A fountain will appear And as this fountain flows, All my problems dissappear."  
  
Legolas backed away until he found himself against the glass wall, now thoroughly freaked out.  
  
".Len?." he whispered. She collapsed on the floor again, unconscious.  
  
~*~  
  
Len groaned and rubbed her forehead, sitting up. Legolas, noticing that she was awake again, hesitantly spoke.  
  
".Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm fine. Just fine." He jumped. That was what she had said last time. She cocked an eyebrow at his high-strung-edness.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
".me? I'm fine."  
  
"Good. 'Cuz we need to get out of here." She yanked him out of the door of the box. He sighed in relief, ignoring the fact that his arm was probably dislocated. The old Len was back. Len and Legolas peered around the corner. Len crept out, then waved for the elf to follow. They walked in the dark shadows of the hallway. Suddenly, the hall was flooded with light. Len checked her comp/watch.  
  
"Shit, they're opening up again!" she looked around wildly for an air duct. No luck.  
  
"Put your hands up!" A voice said from behind them.  
  
"Screw you!" Len retorted, spun around, and gave a quick puff on her dartgun. The man collapsed instantly, a tiny dart sticking out of his neck.  
  
"Thank you, Mel!" she said, grinning, then pulled the elf into a run. "We've gotta get out before they find him. Hopefully, there weren't any cameras near us." she trailed off, voice ragged from running.  
  
~*~  
  
Mel was sitting in the tall branches of an oak, ears perked for any more messages from Len. It had gotten light with the dawn, and they would have seen her on the edge of the forest. But up here, she was invisible. She watched as two figures burst out of the building. She grinned. They had made it. But. they were going in weird directions. she held the binoculars up. Something was wrong. Very wrong.  
  
~*~  
  
"Len, come on, this way!"  
  
"No, this way! Back the way I came!"  
  
"This way's better!"  
  
"No it isn't! Besides, how would you know? You were drugged when you came here!"  
  
"That way's dangerous!"  
  
"Why the hey is that dangerous?!"  
  
He took a deep breath. "Don't get scared, but there's another government person watching us from that big oak-" to his surprise and confusement, Len doubled over laughing. "Len, we have to get out of here before they're alerted by the spy in the tree!" She fell on the ground, cracking up, until she began to wheeze.  
  
"I can't breathe- I can't breathe!" she said, between laughs.  
  
"What's so funny?!"  
  
"That's Mel!" The elf's face was blank. "Mel got me all this equipment so I could come and get you! She helped me get you out of there!"  
  
The elf turned red. "oh."  
  
"Now let's go- she's waiting for us."  
  
~*~  
  
(a/n: this part will be very mary-sueish. you have been warned.)  
  
Once again, they stood at the edge of the docks, watching the glowing line of light coming out of the water. Legolas faced the light. "Say hi to everyone in Middle Earth for me, will you?"  
  
He nodded. "I should go."  
  
"You should." He made no move towards the portal.  
  
"What are you waiting for?" Len's eyes burned with unshed tears. "This is what you've been trying to find the whole time you were here, right? Besides, the new moon- and therefore the portal- will officially be gone for another month in," she checked her watch, "11 minutes. You've got leave now, if ever!" He took a hesitant step towards the edge of the dock, then turned back to face her.  
  
"Len, I." he paused, and before she knew what had happened, he had kissed her. "I can't go." She searched his face for a moment and gave a weak smile, then buried her head in his shoulder.  
  
".don't cry," he said, awkwardness setting in.  
  
"I'm not crying." Her muffled voice answered.  
  
"Then why is my shirt getting wet?"  
  
"It must be raining."  
  
He sighed in frustration, but made himself content with the fact that she was holding him, never mind that his shoulder was soaked and getting wetter by the moment. Suddenly, a shrill voice interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"They're going to jump off and commit suicide! Call the police!"  
  
"Save their poor, ignorant souls!"  
  
The crying abruptly stopped, and they both looked up to see a tiny crowd forming about twenty feet away, many of them on the suicide hotline from their cell phones.  
  
"You can't stay here." Len managed to get out before her throat allowed her to say no more.  
  
"You can't either," he said softly, and they walked through the portal hand in hand.  
  
~end~ 


End file.
